Dear BaE Volume 27: But
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Fake Bono: Oh! Hello, esteemed colleagues.
Fake Edge: We didn’t realize you’d be here. We were just about to write our column…?
Kelly: Please, sit down.
PJ: Yes. We need to talk.
Fake Bono: If this is about our seven month absence, we can explain.
Fake Edge: We’ve been very busy. As you know.
Fake Bono: Two surprise EPs. A new album on the way. Your coverage of this unprecedented band activity has been exemplary.
Kelly: Thank you. PJ even wrote exquisite birthday poems for you and Adam and reviewed Guggi’s documentary.
PJ: And Kelly created whole-ass paintings to illustrate everything.
Fake Edge: Thank you. We don’t know what to say.
Kelly: It’s okay. We thought we’d make your column-writing a little easier by changing its format to more of a roundtable discussion.
PJ: BaEs, we need to talk about “Street of Dreams.”
Fake Bono: We’re every bit as baffled as you are.
Kelly: This is just a reminder for our handful of readers: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are separate entities from Real Bono and Real Edge. However, as they discussed in this column, they are subject to their real counterparts’ choices.
Fake Bono: Yes. The two of us have everything Real Edge and Real Myself have. We receive duplicates of whatever they buy. It’s wonderful.
Fake Edge: It is. And anytime they get something “done,” such as expensive dental work, or when they purchase new clothing, it comes to us as if by magic. If they buy a superyacht, we get one, too. That’s how this works.
PJ: You aren’t privy to their creative process, though. When they release new material, you hear it the same day as the rest of us. But somehow you’re able to play and sing those songs immediately.
Fake Bono: Don’t bother yourself with the details, dear readers. Please just accept it. Edge, I love that tan suede jacket. Fringe again! Really fun.
Hector Vivas, Getty Images
Fake Edge: And you! Ehm. Is that a new necklace, maybe?
Fake Bono: No. Except for the cowboy hat, none of this is new, and it’s completely unfair.
Hector Vivas, Getty Images
PJ: Guys, this is serious.
Fake Bono: She’s glaring. Why is she glaring?
Fake Edge: I think it has something to do with her cutting down on sugar.
Fake Bono: Oh yeah. No doughnuts in the breakroom. Just zero-sugar Kind bars.
Fake Edge: Un-Kind bars, more like.
Fake Bono: Gag me.
Kelly: Gentlemen, please.
PJ: Look. We’re very happy that the band is all together, healthy, creating, and performing…
Fake Edge: I hear a “but.”
Fake Bono: Yeah. Achtoon PJ got a big ol’ but.
PJ: As I was saying, we understand that men of your advanced age are not going to have the energy, anger, cynicism, and overt sexual dynamism that you had at 30…
Fake Edge: You’d better get to that “but” soon.
Fake Bono: Thin fookin’ ice.
Kelly: And to be fair, PJ and I aren’t getting any younger, either.
PJ: Still kinda got it, though.
Kelly: Effing A.
Fake Bono: Did you check the cabinets, Edge? For old snacks?
Fake Edge: BUT.
Fake Bono: So hungry…borderline hangry.
Kelly: I might have some Tic-Tacs in my purse. Anyway, I think it’s cool that “Street of Dreams” has some Spanish lyrics.
Fake Bono: Fake Larry says Real Larry became obsessed with Duolingo when he was out of commission, so that’s probably why.
Kelly: Edge, you are a one-man celestial choir. Bono, your voice is delicious. The song couldn’t be catchier if it tried. I truly do not know how you do it.
Fake Edge: BUT?
Kelly: Okay, here’s the “but.” Peej?
PJ: I think we’re all just a little unsettled that you went from this:
The tide is rising, all ships are sinking
New poets must despise all old ways of thinking
Whoever made language must've been drinking
Twenty-six characters own all the ink and printing
I got so many words in my head but I can't find the lines
I will bless the Lord at all times
To this:
Be free
Dream big
Big dream
Free dream
Large dream
Fake Edge: I don’t think those are the actual lyrics.
Kelly: Are you sure? It feels like they are. There’s something almost juvenile about them. And, uh…
Fake Bono: What.
Kelly: I may have joked to PJ that the song should be called “Sesame Street of Dreams.”
Original photo by @sesamestreetcircus on IG.
PJ: Look fellas, you have to accept that the average age of a U2 fan is 50. There comes a point where “hang onto your dreams” lyrics are just annoying. Like, which dream? The one where I finally retire and spend my days auditing classes at the local liberal arts college?
Kelly: How about the one where the metabolism of my twenties comes back?
PJ: Or that one where I’m in public wearing nothing but panties and a big t-shirt, because that’s what I’m sleeping in?
Kelly: Or, or, or: the one set in the future where U2 are playing county fairs but I’m still one or two people back from the rail because the superfans will never, ever give it a rest?
Fake Bono: Look ladies, it’s really unfair for you to take myself and Fake Edge to task for something that was created by Real Us!
Fake Edge: Actually, I think Real Me sounds absolutely lovely, singing that opening-and-closing prayer, and playing all the chiming™ ringing® bell-like guitar bits.
Fake Bono: Whilst Real Me barks at you to super-size your dreams.
Fake Edge: I mean, it probably was written with that World Cup/Street Child tie-in in mind? Maybe? I dunno. Fake Bono and I are just going to have to live with it.
Kelly: You’re right. The song was thrust upon you. We’re sorry. This is a safe space for you, if you want to vent, BaEs.
Fake Bono: Thank you. Just a small vent. If your AppleToonz Mega U2 playlist sticks “The Fly” on right after “Street of Dreams,” the comparison might make you wish to cease existing.
Fake Edge: Don’t let them do that to you, man.
Fake Bono: [Expletive] AppleToonz. But I will say this: the song is growing on me. Come on. It’s a trifle! A bagatelle! A fun summertime party vibe! And the lyrics are easy to remember.
Fake Edge: That’s right! Plus we did get some cool new costumes out of the deal.
Fake Bono: Speak for yourself.
Fake Edge: Ehm, if you look in your closet, you’ll find a sexy long coat, a new top hat, and a walking stick. (And better sunglasses.) And they gave me a cowboy hat and an unbuttoned shirt! All slightly waterlogged.
Kelly: Ah. We loved seeing the four of you walking out of the ocean like four male Venuses (or is it Venii?) in that promo photo…
PJ: Yeah, except the sexy Venii outfits from the photo shoot are not evident in either video for the new song! What’s the deal?
Fake Edge: They never tell us anything.
Fake Bono: If Real Adam ruined that outrageous pink suit for a mere photo, I don’t know what to say.
Kelly: Didn’t Real U2 hire that delightfully strange-looking woman to do…something PJ and I could probably also do for pennies on the dollar? And isn’t Brian Eno involved with the album? Like, it could still get weird. Weird U2 is my favorite.
Fake Edge: Mine, too.
Fake Bono: Fingers crossed.
PJ: Real U2! If you’re out there, let us help you. You must fully embrace the Wardrobe of the Venii! Bono, you got that Baron Samedi spirit-of-the-crossroads shaman thing going!
Kelly: Edge, you're the stranger who swaggers into town, hiding under the brim of your hat. Are you the hero or the villain? Nobody knows!
PJ: Adam, you are PINK ADAM! Forever!
Kelly: Larry! You are, of course, The New Sheriff In Town! We're so happy you're back!
l-r: Pink Adam as Adam Clayton, Baron Samedi as Bono, Lee Van Cleef from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly as The Edge, and Cleavon Little from Blazing Saddles as Larry Mullen Jr. (Happy 100th birthday, Mel Brooks!)
Fake Bono: Oh my God, Real U2. Please take these women off our hands.
Fake Edge: Let’s get you fed.
Fake Bono: Aaandt that’s another column for the wheelie bin, U2 fans — you delicious batch of unreleased songs nestled in a secret climate-controlled vault! As yer man Real Me said:
You speak to the part of me that cannot speak / I can't see you but I know you're there
I will always worship what I cannot keep / And not every song will be a prayer (just most of ‘em).
Kyrie eleison! We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.
Want to support…whatever this is? Please share this with the U2 people you know. I would love it if you’d join me on Patreon for $1 a month, pick up a print, or just buy me a Ko-fi. I’ll split it with PJ! THANK YOUUUU!—Kelly