Dear BaE Volume 23: Flickenburgh
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
We, the undersigned, are longtime U2 fans. VERY longtime. The Real Yous’ music is everything to us. We feel like we’ve been through so much together, because even though you don’t know us, it kinda feels like we all know each other. We’re sure you understand, because people tell you this all the time. So we think it’s probably okay if we get a little blunt here.
Those promotional videos you share every now and then, with the perky babes jumping up and down (fig. 1) and not even sweating? And that one young guy who throws his head back like he’s busting a nut? Those videos are stupid. These people are obvious plants. 90 percent of your audience is large bald men with mortgages and bad knees who have to get up at 5 the next morning to fly back to Flickenburgh, Pennsylvania (fig. 2). It’s kind of hurtful if you don’t think your real fans are hot enough for your social media. God knows we spend enough time dodging that stupid camera boom in GA. You could at least have some respect for our efforts.
Jim S.,
Kathy S.,
Tom D.,
Flickenburgh, PA
Fake Edge: Oh. Wow.
Fake Bono: Why do I feel like I’ve just been slapped?
Fake Edge: Because you have.
Fake Bono: Did I deserve it? We already did away with the Babe Balloon Swing. What do these people want, blood?
Fake Edge: Maybe you should explain the deep thought processes that go into our marketing strategy.
Fake Bono: Really? Do we really want to tell Jim, Kathy, and Tom that we send Fergus-the-Intern into the crowd with a (RED) iPhone 14 Plus and a miner’s helmet, searching for slender women under the age of 27 that we can edit into–
Fake Edge: No, no. The real marketing strategy.
Fake Bono: Okay, okay. Dear Jim, Kathy, and Tom, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for loving U2. As Real Me has said, “If I’m close to the music, and you’re close to the music, we are close to each other.” This means everyone, including you.
However, it’s a sad truth that Music (which we consider a sacrament) and “The Music Industry” are two different things. While we do have to sign off on the stuff that makes it to our Facebook, Instagram and Xmal-Von-Twitter accounts, we are subject to some unpleasant forces. The fact is that in a world where loyalties are largely divided between Taylor Swift and people who make song fragments in their bedrooms for TikTok, we are just four old farts who play instruments and make albums.
Fake Edge: Right. And to keep doing what we love, we really need people to come to the shows. So while we are aware that most of our audience has to fly back to Flickenburgh–
Fake Bono: We gotta make that a thing: the Folks Who Fly Back to Flickenburgh.
Fake Edge: Fair. Anyway, while we are aware that most of you are mature people who have been with us for 20, 30 or even 40 years, we have to try to be relevant.
Fake Bono: That word. Relevant to what, exactly? We’re obviously relevant to Jim, Kathy, Tom, and everyone else who buys our records and our wildly overpriced concert tickets and merch!
Fake Edge: Relevant to the f-ing TikTok zeitgeist, I guess. Hence the perky, bouncing midriffs.
Fake Bono: And the nut-buster dude.
Fake Edge: Yeah, Orgasm Boy.
Fake Bono: We love Orgasm Boy. We love him so much. In fact, we’re gonna call our unreasonable guitar album Orgasm Boy.
Fake Edge: Opening track: “Flying Back to Flickenburgh.”
Fake Bono: And the next album after that will be Orgasm October.
Fake Edge: Orgasm War.
Fake Bono: God, we are just so relevant.
Fake Edge: Sure. Anyway, Jim, Kathy, and Tom, please know that we absolutely want and need you to keep listening. And if you still want to come to our shows, we absolutely want to see you in the front row.
Fake Bono: But if you find yourself in front of this guy, you might want to move over a few spots. We can’t be sure what’s going on there.
Fake Edge: It’s probably the vest.
Dear Fake Bono,
I saw the video of Real You singing to Morleigh. Very sweet, but you tripped over the bespoke lyrics because you were improvising. Don’t you know the 5 Ps (Proper preparation prevents poor performance)? Should you have written the lyrics beforehand?
U2 Fan Polls
@U2Polls
Fake Bono: [spit take]
Fake Edge: Oh boy.
Fake Bono: HOW DARE
Fake Edge: Simmer down. They’re just trying to get a rise out of you.
Fake Bono: AND HOW DARE YOU TAKE THEIR SIDE EDGE
Fake Edge: I’m not—
Fake Bono: THEN DEFEND ME
Fake Edge: Thanks a lot for your cheap shot question. First, while I remember Bono’s touching serenade of Morleigh quite fondly, I can’t recall any glaring mistakes. The main takeaway from that night was this: my wife is a blithe and entrancing creature who deserves credit for her many contributions to our groundbreaking Sphere residency—
Fake Bono: THEN DEFEND ME
Fake Edge: And Bono is also a blithe and entrancing creature. His status as a legendary performer is undisputed. Bono is granted a lifelong pass for every lyrical misstep because he subscribes to the IFBSFB Philosophy. Want to tell them what that stands for, B?
Fake Bono: I’M FUCKING BONO, SIR FUCKING BONO
Fake Edge: There it is, folks
Dear BaE,
This morning I endured a couple of hours of dental work, and I had plenty of time to think about your recent remarks on the subject. (You know the price of dentistry is truly out of control when Real Bono calls it expensive.)
Your smiles have evolved over the years, and I’d like to compliment Bono’s current dentist for creating a more natural and ever-so-slightly imperfect set of veneers. The tiny gap between the incisors is, as the kids say, “chef’s kiss.”
Could the two of you please share your thoughts on cosmetic dentistry? Is it worth the time and expense?
Love,
Kiki
Fake Edge: Thank you for your question, Kiki.
Fake Bono: Finally, a kind one. And in case anyone was wondering, the two of us have everything Real Edge and Real Myself have. We receive duplicates of whatever they buy. It’s wonderful.
Fake Edge: Yes. And anytime they get something “done,” it appears on us as if by magic. That’s how this works.
Fake Bono: So imagine my delight when I awoke to a brand new gleaming smile about thirty years ago.
Fake Edge: And within a few weeks, I had one, too.
Fake Bono: Glorious. So of course we were curious: what did Real Bono and Real Edge have to go through to give the two of us such beautiful teeth?
Fake Edge: Porcelain veneers, which are what these appear to be, require two to three dental appointments over the course of six weeks. The procedure is irreversible and involves the removal of some natural tooth enamel before the veneers are bonded.
Fake Bono: And talk about expensive: this costs as much as $2500 per tooth, and the veneers are not even permanent.
Fake Edge: No! They last around ten years, and then you’ll have to get new ones.
Fake Bono: Glad it’s them and not us.
Fake Edge: Right? Cosmetic dentistry is amazing. But I’ve got to say, sometimes I miss your original teeth. They had so much personality.
Fake Bono: You had a cute little snaggletooth, too.
Fake Edge: I don’t know if I’d characterize that as a snaggletooth, Bono. But thank you.
Fake Bono: The thought that Real Us felt the need to correct their teeth in such a way makes me want to give them a hug. You were perfect just the way you were, Real Us!
Fake Edge: I don’t need to tell you that when men are in the public eye, the same unattainable beauty standards women face start to apply to them as well.
Fake Bono: It cannot be denied.
Fake Edge: That’s the price of being rock stars, I suppose.
Fake Bono: But you still like my new teeth, yes?
Fake Edge: Of course. And do you like mine?
Fake Bono: You’re a goddamn movie star, Edge.
And that’s another column under the Christmas tree, U2 fans – you little box of fuzzy slippers! As yer woman Margaret Atwood said, “This is the solstice, the still point of the sun, its cusp and midnight, the year's threshold and unlocking, where the past lets go of and becomes the future; the place of caught breath.” May the winter sun shine gently on you all! We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.