Dear BaE Volume 26: Healthy Sexuality
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
I ran across this article in the L.A. Times and I would like to know your thoughts. Should women be getting “Back to the Body” and rediscovering arousal in Joshua Tree? I feel like this could damage your brand.
Priscilla M.,
Malibu, CA
Fake Edge: Well, for starters, “Joshua Tree” is not our brand. It’s a tree. And a national park.
Fake Bono: Not so fast there, Slim. Let me have a look at Priscilla’s link:
“‘The biological clock may be finite, but your sexuality—arousal—is infinite,’ says the event's host, Pamela Madsen, scattering rose petals on one attendee's thighs.”
Okay, I’m intrigued.
Fake Edge: Of course you are.
Fake Bono: It goes on:
“Welcome to Back to the Body, a sexual wellness retreat helping participants—all women—access their erotic selves.”
You know, I think this could actually help our brand. It could even be our brand.
Fake Edge: What are you on about?
Fake Bono: Our brand! A tie-in sort of thing! The Joshua Tree: Ensuring that ladies of a certain age stay in touch with their erotic selves. Though I think this could involve certain b-sides and a really good pair of headphones.
Fake Edge: Which b-sides—never mind. Once again, we do not own the rights to the Joshua Tree. It’s a tree.
Fake Bono: Right, but hear me out: I think it might be premature to fully disassociate our breakthrough album—the one even non-fans can name—from a sexual wellness retreat for women. If people see The Joshua Tree and think “horny ladies,” we should probably just let it happen.
Fake Edge: I think what bothers me most is that the program is called “Back to the Body.” That’s my thing, with you, for when you forget you’re a physical being.
Fake Bono: But did you scatter rose petals on my thighs? Did you…let’s see. Did you help me connect with my body “by stimulating [it] with a spectrum of sensations: the cool slickness of a polished river stone or the prick of a pineapple rind?”
Fake Edge: You are the prick of a pineapple rind.
Fake Bono: Oh, how about this:
“An unlikely high desert sex educator, Madsen, 60-something, is a brash, outspoken New York transplant who oscillates between frank asides (‘I like to say “f-”— get used to it’) and welling up with tears (‘I’m sorry, I'm just getting emotional, this is important stuff’).”
Does that remind you of anyone?
Fake Edge: Sshhhhh. First of all, PJ is hardly old enough to be deemed 60-something, and she wouldn’t be caught dead in the high desert. Can we be done with this topic now?
Fake Bono: NOT JUST YET. Listen:
“Two Back to the Body practitioners offer sexual wellness retreats through their own companies: Court Vox leads one for queer men through his The BodyVox.”
THE BODY VOX, EDGE!
Fake Edge: Okay, I give up. Let’s rebrand. U2: We are here for your healthy sexuality.
Fake Bono: Good title for the forthcoming album.
Fake Edge: Larry will love it.
Dear BAE,
I have a sore throat. It’s not strep and it’s not covid, but it still sucks. I’ll bet you guys have some great advice for dealing with throat problems after a life on the road. Please share?
Steve,
Ronkonkoma, NY
Fake Bono: “After a life on the road,” he says. Hopefully we’ve still got some ahead of us! Sorry you’ve got the lurgy, Steve.
Fake Edge: Yeah, we hope you feel better soon. Where’s Ronkonkoma, anyway?
Fake Bono: It’s that exit sign you get driven past on your way out to Jimmy Iovine’s place.
Fake Edge: Oh right. But which syllable do you emphasize?
Fake Bono: That’s not important right now. Steve has a sore throat, and I am here to help.
Steve, as my great friend Luciano Pavarotti once told me, “Boeh-no, your voice is sacred, and you must protect it at all costs, even if it means you cannot eat the fettuccine alfredo and the ricotta-filled cannoli for 24 hours, because the dairy products irritate the throat and create the muco.” He was not wrong, but his advice was incomplete.
What you’re going to do, Steve, is find yourself a scarf. A massive scarf, preferably from Edun (still available on eBay), but any scarf will do as long as it is large enough to wrap around your neck five or six times. That will keep your throat warm, which is important for some reason.
Next, you are going to avail yourself of a VocalSmog 3000® Portable Nebulizer. You could just get a regular nebulizer, but the VocalSmog is for singers so it is more expensive. Okay, you will also install no fewer than three (3) humidifiers in every room in your house. If your walls aren’t dripping and your dog isn’t making paddling motions in its sleep, you are not making things wet enough.
Fake Edge: Bono.
Fake Bono: Sorry, I was still thinking about the previous letter. FINALLY, you are going to eat six (6) cups of piping hot bone broth the first day you notice that something’s a little off. And if you can’t get it flown in directly from chef Salvatore Giugliano of Mimi Alla Ferrovia in Naples like I do, well, I suppose store-bought might suffice.
Fake Edge: Or you could make it yourself.
Fake Bono: Make…it…myself?
Fake Edge: Yes! Simply toss a chicken carcass into a slow cooker along with some cut up carrots, celery, garlic, and an onion. Plus a few peppercorns and parsley stems. I like to add a couple of cherry tomatoes for enhanced umami, along with healthy splashes of soy sauce and (my secret ingredient) apple cider vinegar. This will bring out the collagen in the carcass and make your broth gelatinous when it’s cold. It’s actually quite magical. Once all of the ingredients are in there, fill the slow cooker to the top with water, put on the lid, and turn it on. A few hours later, you’ve got a chicken stock upon which to build a reputation.
Fake Bono: Who are you?
Fake Edge: If your beautiful wife is sick, I highly recommend making some matzo balls from scratch for her and adding them to the broth.
Fake Bono: The fans are right. We have been spending entirely too much time out of the studio.
Fake Edge: For sore throats, I just swallow a spoonful of honey. Works wonders.
Fake Bono: I’ve seen him do it, Steve. He squirts honey into a ramekin, and he puts a dainty little spoon in there, and he walks around all day periodically eating the honey. There’s something deeply unsettling about it.
Fake Edge: I also recommend these. They’re available in any bodega near Madison Square Garden. Just wear your baseball cap instead of a beanie so you don’t get recognized. I’m sure they’re also available in Ronkonkoma.
PJ: [yelling from break room] One time my brother-in-law swore he saw Real Edge buying cough drops in Midtown Manhattan!
Fake Edge: That was absolutely Real Me. But those cough drops are essentially candy, and I probably got them for Real Bono. For more serious medicine, I’d imagine Real Me has his personal assistant go to a pharmacy, and (if he’s in the U.S.), they will need to see the assistant’s driver’s license before Actual Methamphetamine Sudafed can be purchased. That’s for daytime congestion, and at night, it’s Benadryl. If your tongue is anything like mine—
Fake Bono: My tongue is exactly like yours.
Fake Edge: Well, then you know how these two drugs will mess with your taste buds after a few days. But being able to breathe is worth it.
Fake Bono: When I’m sick, Ali banishes me and my various swamp machines to the nether regions of the third floor at night because, allegedly, I snore when I’m congested.
Fake Edge: There is no “allegedly,” B. But I actually enjoy setting up camp in another part of the house when I’m sick. I stay up late, watch videos, and DM friends to my heart’s content.
Fake Bono: Who else do you DM?
Fake Edge: It’s mostly just you. But you’ve been MIA lately.
Fake Bono: Yeah, I haven’t been in the right headspace these days.
Fake Edge: That’s totally understandable.
Fake Bono: I’ll never get over USAID. And every day brings some new horror. Usually more than one. Did you know 1,000 Joshua trees were burned during the government shutdown?
Fake Edge: I did. It’s a tragedy.
Fake Bono: In my mind, that was as bad as the destruction of the East Wing. I’m afraid I’m not good company anymore, especially at night.
Fake Edge: Listen. You can always be bad company with me, Bono.
Fake Bono: Yeah?
Fake Edge: That’s what I’m here for.
Fake Bono: Do you miss me?
Fake Edge: Maybe just a tiny bit.
Fake Bono: [fakest of coughs]
Fake Edge: [fakest of sniffles]
Fake Bono: Aaannnnndt that’s another roller coaster ride of a column, sports fans! To mitigate the slight downer at the end there, I leave you with a seasonal exhortation from yer woman Erma Bombeck: “Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.