Dear BaE Volume 25: Fight
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
I love your music but I think Bono should stay out of politics. Personally I’m glad Trump decided to stop throwing MY hard-earned tax dollars at the rest of the world. What a waste. One more thing, though. Next time you guys come to MetLife Stadium you’d better play “Shine Like Stars.”
— Dave S., actually in New Jersey
Fake Edge: Here we go. Duck and cover, everyone. Some readers might want to hide their children’s eyes.
Fake Bono: Cop on to yerself, The Edge. I am perfectly calm and only too happy to respond to this other Dave person, wherever he may be.
Fake Edge: He’s in New Jersey.
Fake Bono: Yes, thank you, I can read.
Fake Edge: In New Jersey, Dave S. works hard, pays lots of taxes, and listens to U2, whilst enjoying the second presidency of Donald J. Trump and not caring about the rest of the world.
Fake Bono: You’re not going to make me lose my cool, Edge. You’ve seen how calmly I’ve responded to questions about USAID and PEPFAR in numerous interviews, when I was only meant to be promoting me wee fillum, Stories of Surrender, now streaming on AppleTV+.
Fake Edge: It’s true, you have been extraordinarily cool and unruffled, even when—
Fake Bono: But that’s all over now! The film is out, the reviews are in, and I’m about to give Dave S. from actually-New Jersey a thorough verbal banjaxing the likes of which he will not soon forget! First, I am going to put on my special Male Authority Figure Voice, which I used to great effect in my audiobook whilst portraying such disparate figures as me Da, me brother Norman, and Paul McGuinness. Here goes…
Fake Edge: It’s amazing how you can make yourself look taller when—
Fake Bono: Dave S., I am INCANDESCENT WITH RAGE. Do you know how many times I’ve been told to “stay out of politics?” It’s up there in the millions, my friend. Do you not realize that by telling me to stay out of politics, you are being political yourself? Or is it only “politics” when you disagree with it? You may not want to hear about politics, but politics does not care, and politics will continue to touch every aspect of your life like a televangelist let loose in a Hooters dressing room. Now. Your president has already caused the deaths of roughly 10,000 human beings by putting an abrupt stop to USAID and PEPFAR (a George W. Bush program, by the way), and you yourself may not be spared the chainsaw of his gleeful cruelty. The resentment your president foments overseas could even come home to roost in a few short years in the form of the next 9/11—
Fake Edge: Not cool, B.
Fake Bono: Whatever. Finally, I’m quite sure that when you say you love U2’s music, you mean The Joshua Tree and two or three songs off Rattle and Hum. You want “Shine Like Stars?” Go out at night in Rahway or Piscataway or Weehawken or whatever New Jersey township has the misfortune of your presence, and look up.
Fake Edge: Well. Let’s answer a less inflammatory letter next, shall we?
Dear Fake Edge,
Did you enjoy Bono’s Stories of Surrender movie, and would you consider creating a similar autobiographical project?
Jessa
Minot, North Dakota
Fake Bono: I see that I am not included in this one.
Fake Edge: Hi, Jessa. Yes and no. Next question.
Fake Bono: Oh come on, Edge. When I wrote Surrender, I purposely left out oceans of text—countless anecdotes about the band and especially you and our unique creative partnership—because I knew you would do a better job telling those stories. And now you refuse to do that?
Fake Edge: I think our fans would agree that my time is better spent making new music. Need I remind you that Songs of Experience was released almost eight years ago?
Fake Bono: But! During that time we gave them a groundbreaking arena tour, a quadruple album of reimagined U2 songs, a special with David Letterman, a first-of-its-kind residency, and my book, audiobook, quarter-man show, and movie. All in the midst of a terrifying pandemic!
Fake Edge: But those projects revisited the past. I’m eager to explore the future. You’ve redefined the rock star autobiography and book tour. Additional memoir projects from the rest of us would pale in comparison and be viewed as beyond self-indulgent. Our fans know our story forwards and backwards, and their patience is at its breaking point.
Fake Bono: But they don’t know everything, now, do they? Surrender’s sensibility was intentionally wholesome because I wanted my memoir to serve as a companion to yours, Fight, where you would reveal U2’s secretive and prurient underbelly. Had I known you would back out this late in the game, I would have cut the name-dropping chapters and given our fans something a whole lot juicier.
Fake Edge: You know I never agreed to that. I hate to disappoint you, but as far as I’m concerned, our underbelly will remain hidden.
Fake Bono: Then it’s back to the typewriter I go.
Fake Edge: Absolutely not, Bono.
Fake Bono: But they need to know about—
Fake Edge: No. It’s time for us to become mysterious again.
Fake Bono: Hm.
Fake Edge: Mysterious.
Fake Bono: Well, when you put it like that…
Fake Edge: Thank you.
Fake Bono: light in the fookin’ paint
Dear BaE,
We, the undersigned, realize that it’s summertime and that you guys are living it up in your pastel compound in the south of France, eating cassoulet and escargots and popping open 25-year-old bottles of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild like it’s Diet Coke, but please, please tell us you’re really at work on a new album. We don’t resent your glamorous lifestyle (btw, you’re WELCOME) but eight years between albums is a lot, even for you.
Kind regards,
Jim S.,
Kathy S.,
Tom D.,
Flickenburgh, PA
Fake Bono: Summertiiiime, and the livin’ is Eze-y.
Fake Edge: Don’t get them riled up, B.
Fake Bono: You’re right. If memory serves, these are the Folks Who Fly Back to Flickenburgh, and they had a fair point about some of our social media during Sphere.
Fake Edge: I miss Sphere.
Fake Bono: I know, love, but let’s try to answer Jim, Kathy and Tom, because we are working on our record and I am very, very excited about it.
Fake Brian Eno: Five star accommodations as usual, my friends.
Fake Edge: Always a pleasure to have you here.
Fake Eno: Are you busy…writing something together?
Fake Bono: We contribute to a niche feminist U2 fansite every once in a while.
Fake Eno: I see. When you’re finished, please join me in your beautiful home studio. I have an idea for you.
Fake Edge: Looking forward to it! Just give us ten minutes.
Fake Bono: Annnnndt…he’s gone.
Fake Edge: The chill that surrounds him is more intense than ever before, wouldn’t you agree?
Fake Bono: Indeed. But his results speak for themselves. The Unforgettable Fire, The Joshua Tree, Achtung Baby, All That You Can’t Leave Behind…
Fake Edge: The better parts of No Line On The Horizon…
Fake Bono: Every song on that one was hard to sing.
Fake Edge: We need another one of those Eno-led masterpieces. He’s worth it. And we’ve learned that throwing a half dozen producers at a record creates a serious lack of cohesion.
Fake Bono: I suppose we owe our readers an explanation, Edge. Readers, Brian Eno is many things: an alchemist, a musical pioneer, a genius of the highest order…and an instrument of the devil.
Fake Edge: He’s not THE devil, but he is one of a number of beings who represent Satan’s interests here on earth.
Fake Bono: Back in 1984, when we were desperate to work with Brian, U2 made a sort of pact with him.
Fake Edge: During our recording sessions in Slane Castle one afternoon, Brian managed to create an otherworldly soundscape by placing my amp inside a rickety dumbwaiter. I was astonished and asked him, ‘Did you make some kind of deal with the devil?’ His response was captured on film, and forty-plus years later, it still has the power to terrify me.
Fake Bono: Adam and Larry were taking a long lunch at the time, but I was there. Brian asked Edge and myself if we still wanted his involvement on the album, and of course we said yes. He was only beginning to open our eyes to the wonders of his esoteric recording process.
Fake Edge: Brian told us that he could pull iconic hit albums out of us, but we had to meet his price. And that price was…
Fake Bono: A chance—a mere chance!—at the souls of our future children.
Fake Edge: When each of our children came of age, Brian Eno would tempt them with success in exchange for their souls. Adam and Larry, of course, wanted no part of this. Had they signed on too, U2 would have been the most important and beloved band in the history of rock music. Undisputed. Including the Beatles.
Fake Bono: I mean, we still did pretty well, you’ve got to admit. It was a Rumplestiltskin-like arrangement, and Brian spun our straw into gold.
Fake Edge: Bono and I were confident that any children we might have would be raised to resist this kind of temptation. And we were right about that for the most part.
Fake Bono: The U2 children you don’t know much about? Those children resisted the temptation of Eno. The U2 children who are, let’s say, unusually successful in their chosen fields? They may have found him irresistible.
Fake Edge: This is the reason for the long stretches of time between albums and why we’ve not worked with Brian in many years.
Fake Bono: Also, we are out of young children. But. Edge?
Fake Edge: One of us—
Fake Bono: —i.e. you.
Fake Edge: Yes, i.e. me. I have grandchildren.
Fake Bono: A veritable bevy of them. And once again, Brian came knocking on our door.
Fake Edge: We need another blockbuster album.
Fake Bono: We need another artistic breakthrough.
Fake Edge: And my grandchildren are good little kids. I’m sure they will say no to Brian when the time comes.
Fake Bono: Do you think I should have written about this in Surrender?
Fake Edge: Frankly, I’m shocked that you didn’t.
Fake Bono: Do you smell brimstone?
Fake Brian Eno: I feel certain that the two of you are not still nattering away at your tiresome fans from Flickenburgh, are you?
Aaaanndt that’s another abruptly-ended column—our 25th column, as a matter of fact. Yes, Fake Edge and myself have been answering your questions for 25 glorious years! As yer man Brian Eno said, “Cooking is a way of listening to the radio.” We love you! (Get in the studio, Edge. Go! Go! Quick like a bunny.)
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.