Dear BaE Volume 28: Blouse
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
I just wanted to praise your new single, “Silencio.” This is more like what we wanted, and you delivered!
Thanks,
Alice
Fake Edge: Hi, Alice—
Fake Bono: VINDICATION!
Fake Edge: Here we go…
Fake Bono: DESPERATION, ISOLATION, ELEVATION, EXCAVATION, VINDICATION!
Fake Edge: Let it go, B.
Fake Bono: Sorry, but after being taken to task by our hateful Achtoon overlords for the crime of releasing a pleasant, poppy single —
Fake Edge: You mean “Street of Dreams?” I think they just had a problem with the simplistic lyrics.
Fake Bono: Simplistic!? I had to sing in two languages whilst keeping it suitable and encouraging for children in peril.
Fake Edge: Yes, but we didn’t let the fans know about the children in peril until the song was already out.
Fake Bono: I guess? Another own-goal for us.
Fake Edge: Well, I played brilliantly on it.
Fake Bono: That may be the cockiest thing you’ve ever said.
Fake Edge: I’m even better on “Silencio.”
Fake Bono: …I like this. About time you dropped the humility act.
Fake Edge: I’m just trying to live up to the stern, formidable persona that’s been coming across in our most recent photos. Such as:
photo by Michael Schwartz
Fake Bono: Whoa. One could almost overlook the fact that you are wearing a lace blouse.
Fake Edge: Meanwhile is that an actual color on you?
Fake Bono: It’s called “liturgical purple.” All the best priests are wearing it this season.
Fake Edge: But you’re posing and grinning like we’re in an ad for the local TV news.
Fake Bono: You and I are the anchors, Larry is the sports guy, and Adam has your weather on the 8s.
Fake Edge: We were just doing what that strange-looking woman told us. One of the album’s themes is light in the darkness, or darkness in the light, or something.
Fake Bono: And in that photo, I am bringing the light.
Fake Edge: Your smile is slightly disturbing. Maybe you’re not bringing light as much as you are bringing…something diabolical. Devilish.
Fake Bono: Shall I channel Mr. MacPhisto?
Fake Edge: Please do.
Fake MacPhisto: Take THAT, hateful Achtoon overlords! A single—an album—filled with SUBSTANCE into which you can sink your TEETH!
Kelly Eddington: [squealing in her office] Lace blouse!
PJ DeGenaro: Large dream!
photo by Michael Schwartz
Dear BaE,
Congratulations on your 50th anniversary! One assumes that if Real U2 have been together for fifty years, so have Fake Bono and Fake Edge. Thoughts?
Love,
Scotty
Fake Bono: Oh Scotty. We have definitely been together for fifty years, too.
Fake Edge: When we met, this magical existence of ours began.
Fake Bono: We were just a couple of teenagers minding our own business, but when we met on that day in 1976, we recognized that an extraordinary connection had come online.
Fake Edge: And seven or eight years later, the cash started rolling in, along with numerous musical instruments, enviable homes, and interesting hairstyles and clothing. Click here to learn more about the rules that govern Fake Bono and myself. Scroll down to the question about cosmetic dentistry.
Fake Bono: Do you hear unearthly shrieking?
Fake Edge: Yeah. It’s just Kelly and PJ. They’re probably taking screenshots from the “Silencio” video where the images are going by too quickly to really know what’s going on.
screencaps by hateful Achtoon overlord Kelly
Fake Bono: That video is so cool. Lynchian, dare I say?
Kelly: [blubbering]
PJ: HELLO.
Fake Edge: Oh. What are you two evil overlords doing here?
Kelly: Fake BaEs, we want to invite you two into the break room for a light brunch, and to heap praises upon you for “Silencio” and for that magnificent Rolling Stone interview.
PJ: We’ve got bagels and cream cheese. And the bagels are from Long Island, which means they are the only ones worth eating. You don’t even have to toast them. And um, I think Kelly has something to add. Go ahead, Kels.
Kelly: okay i do not like to sing but la calle, la calle de los suenos / bagels an obsession with the cheese of creams
Fake Bono: Haha. Okay, overlords. Oh. That’s my phone. Excuse me. I have to take this call.
Kelly: …Hmm. Hey, Edge, are you okay? You seem sad. Grim. It’s not just the photos. What’s going on?
Fake Edge: I have resting melancholy face, that’s all. Established fact.
PJ: Huh. Not buying it.
Kelly: You can talk to us.
Fake Edge: …He’s become fixated on Fake Rosalia. That’s probably her on the phone. She’s his type.
Kelly: She’s everyone’s type, Edge.
PJ: Eh…
Fake Edge: It’s just…I’m the only musician he talks about in such glowing terms. Up until now. He thinks she’s a genius. And maybe she is, but…he’s written lyrics about her.
PJ: You’re always gonna be his favorite, come on now. You’ve been together for fifty years! I can’t even believe this.
Kelly: Shh, he’s coming back.
Fake Bono: …Edge, what’s wrong?
PJ: How dare you.
Fake Bono: If this is about Fake Rosalia again, Edge, she poses no threat to you!
PJ: This man is your fake bread and butter.
Kelly: This man is the fake light inside your fake paint!
Fake Bono: Edge, you’re genuinely upset? I…I didn’t realize. Fuck. Ladies, please, we need some privacy.
PJ: Get it together, BaEs. Make this right.
Fake Bono: Edge, I owe you an apology. I am so sorry. I should be singing about you! I already do, you know. Easily half of our songs are about you in some way.
Kelly: Aww.
Fake Bono: You will always be the man who changed everything. My beloved genius par excellence.
Fake Edge: Bono.
PJ: Awwwwww! But hey, if you want to make Fake Edge strip in a video, I’m on board.
Fake Bono: Goodnight, dear overlords! Go away!
Fake Bono, sometime later: Annnnndt that’s another column for the stack-and-nest storage unit, U2 fans, you unlikely amalgam of vulgarians and theologians! As yer man Rabbi Paul Kipnes said, “May your eyes open to glorious sights that will make your heart beat faster, and may your breathing slow enough to embrace the meaningfulness of it all.” We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.
Want to support…whatever this is? Please share this with the U2 people you know. I would love it if you’d join me on Patreon for $1 a month, pick up a print, or just buy me a Ko-fi. I’ll split it with PJ! THANK YOUUUU!—Kelly